


Fake RVB Crew

by Agent_rookie



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Also really only Churboose in the first chapter, Also smut will come slowly but surely, F/F, F/M, Fake AH Crew AU, Loosely though, M/M, Multi, carwash siblings, the others will come slowly but surley
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-01
Updated: 2015-08-01
Packaged: 2018-04-12 10:38:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4476218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Agent_rookie/pseuds/Agent_rookie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Welcome to Los santos! A bustling city full of everyday things that'd you'd find anywhere else. Like gang fights in the streets. Very attractive mercenaries. And a whole under world crime web, that leads back to the head of a very "clean-cut" company. So enjoy your stay, watch out for stray bullets, don't make direct eye-contact, and don't ask questions!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fake RVB Crew

“Shit- damn it everyone get down!” 

Through the sounds of screams, and shots. Church can barely even hear his own voice. Grimacing at the realization that his partners probably couldn’t even hear him, the small killer un-straps his grenade launcher. Peaking from behind the, once nice looking convertible, Church scoops the shoot out in front of him. He spots tucker to his left on top of the bank, the teal assassin getting most of the fire, then he sees Simmons with his rocket launcher not to far in front of himself. Then right next to him is that lazy ass orange…what even was he? Whatever, church thought, wait, why isn’t Simmons firing? Fuck what the hell-

“Yo asshole, fire the damn rocket!” Practically screaming at the top of his lungs, church hopes to whatever fucking god is up there, that the maroon partner hears him. 

“I can’t! Caboose is still in the middle of the cops!”

Simmons’ voice comes out as strained and muffled, barley even audible, and at this point everyone is probably wondering why they wear these god damn helmets that only muffle shit and look cool. Useless.

“God damn it caboose!” 

Behind the helmet church’s face scrunches up as he throws both of his fire arms over the car to Simmons and Grif, who thankfully catch them without shooting their fucking feet, again. Quickly, church slides over the hood of the swiss’d car, making a B-line for his Orange and Maroon partners. Sliding to them and grabbing his sniper from the crew’s resident slacker. Firing a few…not so good shots at the cops. Finally being able to see his boyfriend, quite literally, shooting peoples limbs off. Blood running down Cabooses body in large portions, every so often you can almost see that bone-chilling grin plastered on the tall mercs face. Soaking in the cracks of bone and the sick sounding splatter of blood and brains on concrete with each headshot. Even for church it was a bit too much, ducking back down the light blue mercenary takes his helmet off, sighing with relief. Earning a strange look from the two lovebirds he’s next to.

“Nice glory charge hear asshole,” Grif sits up and hands church his grenade launcher, taking off his helmet as well to glare “oh and fantastic shooting, like really, bet you killed so many people.”

Church takes his launcher, practically snarling at Grif. “Thanks, ‘least I actually did something unlike you. I’m pretty fucking sure we wouldn’t even be in this goddamn mess if it weren’t for you. So thanks for that. Sincerely.” 

“Shut the fuck up. It’s not my fault the teller actually pressed the button even when I threatened to get my gun out.”  
“Oooh yeaaaah, ‘cause threatening to get a gun out is what you do when robbing a fuckin’ bank! Who does that?!” With each word the smaller man gets louder and louder, till he’s practically screeching. His trigger finger itching a bit to shoot Grif in the foot himself this time…

“Why are you complaining now of all times dickbag! Your boyfriend is probably going to fucking die and all you’re doing is yelling at me!”

“Boo hoo. Caboose can take care of himself, he’s honestly having the time of his life probably.”

“Yeah about that” Simmons uncomfortably interrupts the two bickering men. “I think this is the only chance we have to leave so…” Gesturing over the car Grif and Church look up. Seeing only a handful of cops left, and a, mostly intact, cop car. Both of the previously bickering men go stone faced and nod to each other, putting their helmets on, and readying their guns. Charging out and shooting at the remaining cops. Simmons blows up a good portion that were straggling away from caboose. Letting out a disgusted grunt at someone’s blood and shit getting splattered at him.   
Grif slices through a few people up close with his knife gun hybrid, clearing a path for church to run to the cop car and wire it,

Meanwhile, Tucker finally makes it downstairs, running outside and straight to church when he sees the man in the cop car. Literally jumping into the back seat of it. The teal assassin throws church the bird, receiving one in turn. His whole body shaking with each pant he makes. “Jesus..f-fucking Christ I hate you.”

“Diddly doo, asshole.”

“I’m not built for running church! And me being the fucking scout was the worst idea in the history of ideas! I don’t snipe. No one in this crew snipes! Well…decently ‘least.” 

“You sure are built for running your mouth, and just because of that nasty comment at the end I’m making you the scout for the next heist.”

“That’s not fair! My mouth is also built for more things then running bow chicka bow-OW!” Right on time Simmons and Grif dash in to the back seat, Grif slamming tucker into the other side of the car and Simmons taking the window seat to shoot out the side. 

“You messed up my thing dude! Not cool” He scoots as far away as he can from Grif, huffing. 

“Yeah well we were about to get really messed up if we didn’t get in here. So suck it up.”

“Sorry sucking up is your boyfriends job not mine”

“Will both of the just shut up! And where is Caboose damn it!” Church honks the car horn in frustration, taking a second to scope the area for the muscle of the crew. Out of nowhere a loud bang, and scratch on the hood reverberates throughout the car. Looking up on top you can just see caboose, gripping on to the car with all of his might. 

“Holy shit, caboose are you alright?!” Simmons sticks his head out of the car for shut a second, only to slink it back in right after when he’s almost shoot. 

“Yeah I’m good but can we goo home now? Please! These men aren’t playing nice anymore! I don’t like it.”

Grif starts grumbling under his breath “Yeah they’re the ones not playing nice…” 

Hearing the remark caboose pokes his head down through tuckers side window, and in complete monotone says. “What was that. I thought I heard a ghost.”  
Snickering Church chimes in “Or one that’s soon to be”   
The orange merc pales and slouches down in the middle seat, looking anywhere but at cabooses helmet.

As soon as church finishes wiring the car he slams the gas pedal, the tires of the car letting out an ear-piercing screech in revolt. Everyone being pushed back slightly in their seats, or on top of the car, respectively. The crew is soon going a good 70 mph down the busy highways. Slowly getting off the radars. Or so they hope.

“Hey church? Did you do a tech-y nerd thing to the car the cops can’t track us?” Tucker grips the passenger seat tightly so he can lean up to church, gritting his teeth as the light blue merc flings them all around with a quick turn, off the freeway and into a shady ass part of town. 

“Uh-sure. Be ready to bolt out of this thing by the way. Sarge has a van waiting for us”

“You suck as a leader”

“And you suck as a person”

“Rude” Tucker falls back against his seat once again. Waiting to get to the rendezvous point. 

After a confusing route through a series of streets they see a large black van, with blue and red tires. Caboose Completely ready to get off the car, just books it to the van once they stop. Everyone gathering their weapons and following the slightly psychotic man. Once all are in Sarge grumbles something about being a nanny to a bunch of idiots and takes off to the crew’s hideout. Grif snorts and waves his hand at Sarge. “You’d be one old ass nanny just sayin’ “  
“It’s a darn god thing I ain’t one son. Or else I wouldn’t be able to shoot you and not get paid for it by someone.”

“Christ today just isn’t my day is it”  
“No day is your day, fatass”  
“Shut it Simmons”

 

****

 

After a long, very long car ride back to the hideout, full of bickering and Caboose incessantly asking Church if he saw how many guys he killed. They all happily pile out of the Van, moseying to a run down looking warehouse. However on the inside it’s anything but, with huge one-way windows looking out over the city, and about five rooms for every one member. They haven’t had many successful heist yes, but thanks to Church’s dad being a big C.E.O, and also being in charge of practically the whole criminal underworld on the side. The crew gets quite a bit of ‘supplying’ money. 

Once everyone’s inside they all scatter to their respective rooms, except for caboose and church. The shorter of the automatically grabs cabooses hand, dragging him down the almost pristine hallway, well pristine with a few beer cans here or there. 

“Church where are we going? Oh are we going to Disneyland! I would very much so like to go there. Can we go there” Caboose lets himself be dragged, grinning down at his small boyfriend, even though both of their helmets are still on.   
“No Caboose I’m taking you to the infirmary, I’m pretty fucking sure you’re under armor shit didn’t help you to the point where you’re not injured what so ever.”

“Oh. It is fine church I’m only bleeding from my other arm, and back, and my leg. Nothing that I couldn’t handle!” 

“Shit- your legs? Buddy…” Looking down the light blue Merc finally notices a small, limp in his left leg, said leg looking strained as if it was trying to cover up the limp by going stiff. Now that he really looks over him he can see how stiff, and even shaky the younger is. He stops dragging the taller and grimaces “Just lean on me…try not to walk on it. Come on- yeah, there we go Buddy.” Slowly Church puts Cabooses good arm over his shoulders, taking on most of his partner’s weight. Luckily they end up at the infirmary a little later. 

Church checks to see if the doors unlocked and when it’s not he just knocks on the door, tapping his foot impatiently; with no response he does it again, louder this time. “Fuckin’ open up Doc. Caboose needs some work done, now.” After another second the small mercenary scowls at the door. Noticing after a bit that his boyfriends body feels a bit heavier, a bit more limp, he looks up only to see Cabooses head swaying. Panicking he shakes caboose, and with no response the short man practically punches the door. “Yo Doc! Come on open up! We need- oh fuck- come on move up, please…” Only getting more and more heavy, the standard blue merc starts slipping in church’s gripping. “Shit-shit-!”

In a last ditch attempt he balances himself on one leg, his other kicking the door as hard as he fucking can, when all that does is leave a nasty looking foot print, the merc pulls out his pistol and shoots the door knob off. Pushing the door open with his body. “Ok, bed-yeah ok. Here just-yeah-“ Hastily Church lays caboose down on the bed, throwing of the younger’s helmet and his own as well. Cupping his boyfriends face gently, he looks at his expression, his eyes are shut, and even with the face paint he can see that the man looks so serine, too serine. His own face scrunches up as he lays Cabooses head on the pillow, quickly moving to every cupboard, drawer, wherever. Trying to find something, anything that could help. Ah-ha! he thinks, yanking bandages, painkillers, some pliers, and some stitches. 

“Ok, I don’t know what the fuck I’m actually doing but here goes nothing…get ready, buddy.” Quickly, but still cautious of Cabooses injuries Church strips him down to his boxers. Finally assessing the situation fully. Looking over the man he sees one bullet hole in his arm, another in his shoulder, an array of bruises scattered across his torso, and multiple scratches and bullet scrapes on his leg. A deep regret pools, and bubbles up in him, I should’ve helped. Damn it! This isn’t- With shaky hands church injects the painkiller into cabooses leg and arm, hopefully numbing it. I’m an asshole. I should’ve known that even you couldn’t handle all that shit but what did I do? I just fucking hid behind, or in, a car like a-like a coward… After wiping down some of the blood, the merc lets out a sigh, using the tweezers to get the bullets out, one by one, each movement making an appalling squelched sound inside the wound, wincing at every turn till the bullets are out church’s vision becomes blurred, the man not even realizing its tears until he sees the droplets on his hands. Caboose, you better fucking live I won’t forgive either of us. I won’t. Fuck I love you damn it. Slowly but surely he stitches up his arm wounds, making his way down to his legs and repeating the process there. After looking him over from top to bottom the man nods and bandages the taller up for good measure. With a small kiss to the forhead Church backs up and walks over to the fridge, grumbling. 

“I need…I need a beer.” 

 

****

 

Groggily Caboose tries to sit up, only to find he can’t move well what so ever. Everything feels so fuzzy, like cotton was stuffed inside of my head…Church? “Church…? Ch-church?” His voice comes out as horse, and quite, barely audible to the speaker. Weakly he opens his eyes and looks around, seeing the room littered with multiple beers, looking next to him he now sees the man he’s looking for. Passed out, with a half finished beer in hand. Pain, and exhaustion written on his usually calm sleeping face. Gently he moves his head back to where he’s looking at the ceiling. Starting from his feet to his head to see what hurt, what can move, and what can’t. Right leg…yeah that’s ok. Left…not…not easily-ow-! My hands are ok too…and leftie isn’t moving besides that. Righties ok though-I think-..yep He hears the door open, using most of his strength he looks up and sees doc walk in, a smile coming on to his face when he sees caboose is conscious. 

“Ah! Finally came to I see! And probably a little-er lot out of it thanks to the painkillers. How are you feeling otherwise?” With a clipboard in one hand, and a glass of water in another Doc strides over and gently gives Caboose some water. Smiling down at him. Setting the glass on the bedside table and sitting at the foot of the bed after. Collecting his erratically scattered thoughts Caboose clears his throat, dryly.   
“I’m ok. Just fuzzy like a sheep, oh and half my body feels funny too but yeah. I’m a big boy I can do it!” The taller hides a wince when he moves his leg slightly, doing it   
rather poorly it seems when Doc frowns. 

“That’s what you’ve said many times, but you have to calm down when fighting ok? Church here was drinking himself down for the whole day you were out.”

“I’ve been sleeping for a day?”

“Yes Caboose, that’s what happens when you loose a lot of blood, plus over exertion, not to mention multiple injuries…”

“But I’ve done this before and been A-ok! So A-ok that I did it twice in a day!~” 

Doc sighs and runs a hand through his hair, nodding aimlessly. Getting up Doc goes to the fridge and starts making a mimosa, causing the injured killer to raise an eyebrow. “Why are you making juice? Can I have the juice? I would like juice!”   
Doc chuckles and shakes his head, putting down the mimosa next to church. “I’ll give you real juice in a second caboose, let me wake up church first” The doctor backs away and out of the blue loudly slaps his hands together, the sound bouncing off the walls. Followed by the previously passed out man jumping straight up in his chair, reaching for an empty gun holder, his eyes dilated as he looks around, seeing where he is. His mind snapping out of its ready to kill stage when a deep throbbing hits his head. Quickly Church crumbles down into the chair again, rubbing his head roughly, like that’ll help make the pain go away. “Good to see you’re up and moving! There’s a little something to make you feel a bit better next to you.” Automatically the mercs hand grabs the mimosa and starts sipping it like it’s the best thing ever. A minute or so passes and Church feels well enough to further assess why he was woken up, catching Cabooses eyes in a look around. Relief, excitement, and anger hitting him like a brick wall when he realizes that his boyfriend really is conscious. 

“Doc. Can you give us a second.”

“Of course, be carful though you two. Also no doing…things in my infirmary.”   
And with that, Doc quickly walks out of the room, leaving the two lovers to their own devices. 

Tension, only grows when Doc leaves. The two staring at each other, speaking through expressions. Caboose breaks the silence first with a small smile gracing his face. “So we didn’t go to Disney “  
“No…we didn’t” The older man responds bitterly, taking a good swig from his drink before speaking again, softer then before “Caboose…Michael do you understand what happened?” The younger shakes his head no. “Of course you wouldn’t, you can’t just keep pushing yourself.” 

“B-but I’m ok church! And I kinda understand. I like doing the bad stuff, and it’s ok if I get hit because you help me after, and if I was really in trouble you’d help me” 

“You don’t-!” You don’t understand I didn’t help you this time and I needed to you idiot!  
He grits his teeth and stands up, not so gracefully, staggering over to caboose and plopping down next to him on the bed. “I’m not always able to tell if you need help, buddy…and sometimes you don’t let me. You get what I’m saying now?” 

Caboose looks away, not meeting church’s eyes and nods stiffly. “But I don’t want help sometimes church.”

“That’s what you think! It’s not a matter of fucking want; it’s a matter of necessity idiot! I needed to help you, I needed to get you medical attention sooner but you kept it hidden!” Each words starts to rise in sound and pitch until the shorter man is practically shaking with frustration. Out of his peripheral he sees Cabooses shoulders slump, and his head turn completely away from him, the mans voice coming out in a small whisper, hurt and confusion lacing his tone. 

“Does that mean that you didn’t want to help me then church?”

A deep reverberating growl is emitted from church, his hand banging the table. “Of course! You fucking idiot I love you of course I wanted to help you, I’m not that much of an asshole despite popular belief!” 

“You said it wasn’t a matter of wa-“

“God damn it caboose-! I just- I care about you. I need you to be ok and I want you to be ok…Michael just for once don’t be stupid.” A small almost inaudible, hiccup pops out of church as he smothers his face into his hand, hiding his red puffy eyes, and tear-ridden face. 

Hearing his boyfriends, little hiccup Caboose turns his head, automatically regretting saying what he had said. His hand reaches for church’s. And once he holds it the taller gives a small squeeze. Receiving a weak one back. “I’m-im sorry church, I’m not a good best friend…” The tall man sniffles, his eyes starting to glisten with tears. “I’m really sorry church, I love you too…” As soon as caboose whisper out the last part all of Church’s restraint breaks and he lunges forward, locking his lips with his boyfriends hastily. Their tears mixing as the slide down cabooses cheeks. For a while they just sit there, sobbing and whispering words of affection to one another. Eventually, they kiss each other over and over, each one lighting the mood, until pleas’ and sobs turn into a flurry of giggles between the two. With his good hand caboose cleans off church’s face, smiling triumphantly up at him. Causing the older to smile back and kiss his nose. “You know, church when I was asleep I was kinda like princess sleeping beauty!” 

“Yes you were, I mean, whenever you’re asleep you are~” He smirks at his partner, wiggling an eyebrow at him as well. Making Caboose break out into a fit of giggles and snorts. 

“That was really dumb church~ But like since I was sleeping beauty it was kind of like Disney land right?”

“Mm, of course buddy whatever you say” The light blue merc snuggles into his lovers chest, being carful not to hurt him, breathing in and out slowly. Feeling his partner do the same. “Maybe when you’re all better we can take a small trip there for real”

“Oh I would very much so like that church!”

“I know buddy, I know~”

 

****

**Author's Note:**

> Wooooo Finally, I'm so happy I was able to post this! ^^  
> Took a good chunk of time to write really. Don't expect fast updates since I normally walk into a brick wall every time i try to write.   
> Never the less I hope you enjoyed the first chapter of many for the Fake RVB Crew! uwu
> 
> Tumblr: http://agent-rookie.tumblr.com/  
> (Though it's pretty cruddy)


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